hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
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Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I was just discussing this with my cat
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
the short answer to this question
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”