hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
You Might Also Like
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”