hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
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When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
necessity is the mother of invention
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
I’m a perfektionist, this is expozure therappy
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa