Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.

ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?

me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.

I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:

dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

Her: Whats that mouth do boo?

Me: Probably say something stupid.

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.