Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”

I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards

*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer

1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

Can Happiness buy money?

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!

Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?

It was less hassle.

If you want my opinion ask my wife

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion

There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.