hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
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“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.