Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.

last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird

Me: Me? Weird??

Husband: PLEASE

[ Later ]

Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

Squirrels: 1,538

My dogs: -17

me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]

10: this is nice dad

me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.

10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?

me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.

JOHN: Dad, we know.

OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.

GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.

My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁

I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas

New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.

Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting