hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
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“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
I don’t think my car can fly
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy