Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
You Might Also Like
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.