Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
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Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans