Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

Leonardo DiCaprisun

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye

The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.

Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.

[Later]

Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

Boss: We need a name for our film studio

Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea

1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t

Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox

1-up Karl: *looks at camera*