Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”

Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?

Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.

Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.

getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age

customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any

me: that’s how good they are

customer: the cage door is open

me: *looking around nervously* oh no

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

10/10 no notes

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

2022 be like

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.