Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
You Might Also Like
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*