Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
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*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT