Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

airline: you need to pay to check luggage.

passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.

airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.

Is anyone gonna tell them?

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

This is top tier marketing 😂🤣

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”

Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.

Me: Damn you hate our house that much?

Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person

Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?

Hubs: Yes!!