Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.

This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣

Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out

Random person: Did you try searching the internet?

superman landing like a plane on his belly

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.

Education is vital

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon

Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

YOLO!

Jesus: Hold my wine!

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.