@bonehugsnirony

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

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@seancehat

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

@AllanCresswell

Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you’re going to transfer me to someone who doesn’t speak english?

@slimmy_shady

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!

@AbbieEvansXO

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

@maisondecris

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

@realHamOnWry

My inner child just threatened to call Social Services if I don’t eat ice cream for supper tonight.

@perhapssomeday

No one who heard me talking to my dog would assume that English is my first language.

@Robert_Beau

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.