hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

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[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed


Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you’re going to transfer me to someone who doesn’t speak english?


Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!


[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly


Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget


My inner child just threatened to call Social Services if I don’t eat ice cream for supper tonight.


No one who heard me talking to my dog would assume that English is my first language.


I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.