@usermcuserface: You start a mosh pit at the orchestra one time and all of a sudden you're "banned for life" and "arrested".

@Home_Halfway: {Bear walks up to me} ME: Plays dead BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election ME: Ugh, a poller bear

@BoozyMusic: My new cat, John Cena, wants me to remind y'all to never let your kids name your pets.

@rankin_jake: At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

@WilliamAder: By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I've likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.