@noahrobbinsman
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
@bonehugsnirony
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
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@noahrobbinsman
@TheGladStork
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
@jwomackou
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
@Bob_Janke
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
@eliserose5
8 out of 6 people think I’m terrible at math.
@lanyardtwerk
Caught my food taking a picture of me. When I confronted it, it said it was for its people blog? What a creep.
@erikbransteen
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
@Pork_Chop_Hair
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
@markleggett
Close your eyes. Now imagine a peaceful meadow. That meadow represents your betrayal. I told you to close your eyes, but you kept reading.
@BoomBoomBetty
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.