Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was

Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?

Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.