“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
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ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.