“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
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i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Poetry is my passion
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.