“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
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Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
this chia pet tastes awful
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
aesthetic
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.