hi why am I like this
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Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???