hi why am I like this
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Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
This will never not be funny 😭
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings