hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
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and now we wait
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.