Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

Employees must applaud the planets.

went fishing caught a bass

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

diva inflation rises at an alarming rate

Whoa… oh I see lol

DATE: I want someone who can cook

ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample