hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
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I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
that de-escalated quickly
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
me
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!