hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
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COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I wanna be friends with this person
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀