My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
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Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”