Hi yes, I’d like the cheeseburger
“How would you like that cooked?”
*gets right up in waitresses face*
With frickin fire, obviously

You Might Also Like


People that proudly carry their yoga mats around town…

I get it. I carry my Burrito around with that same pride.


Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle


*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?


I worked as a programmer for autocorrect but the fried me for no raisin #PunYourJob


[sperm bank]

clinician: any questions before becoming a potential donor?

me: yes, why is it called a “sperm donation” and not a “payload”

clinician: *writing notes* ok so you are definitely dad material


Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.


Bro do you even watch The Notebook and weep softly, mourning the eternal nature of love juxtaposed against the fallibility of memory, bro?


My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”