@MikeCanRant

Hi yes, I’d like the cheeseburger
“How would you like that cooked?”
*gets right up in waitresses face*
With frickin fire, obviously

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@MacAnnabella

People that proudly carry their yoga mats around town…

I get it. I carry my Burrito around with that same pride.

@nami_knows

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

@Jake_Vig

*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?

@Jessberrie

I worked as a programmer for autocorrect but the fried me for no raisin #PunYourJob

@daemonic3

[sperm bank]

clinician: any questions before becoming a potential donor?

me: yes, why is it called a “sperm donation” and not a “payload”

clinician: *writing notes* ok so you are definitely dad material

@Allison_Tolman

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

@ibid78

Bro do you even watch The Notebook and weep softly, mourning the eternal nature of love juxtaposed against the fallibility of memory, bro?

@English_Channel

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”