“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
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Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.