Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.

Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.

Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk

Any refunds available?…

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.

Did not finish.

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women

Him: If you drink a lot of beer, you get a beer gut. If you smoke a lot of weed, you get a pot belly. Haha I’m hilarious

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you

Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this

Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*

The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!