Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
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Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
They say don’t try this at home… so I’m coming over to your house to try it.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Good morning, Twitter x
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate