Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
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me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it
AM I BEING GASLIT????
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
