Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
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Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
These 3D printers are insane!
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
No way!
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more