Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
You Might Also Like
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Jail
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
The days of good grammer has went
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
