Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
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[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
The government even made aliens boring
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
at ease…shoulder.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Proctology is located in A55
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water