Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

*weighs self after shaving

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.

Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”

Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

God: you’re a Squid.

Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.

God: what’s a Kraken?

Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.

God: wa-was that an ocean pun?

Squid: maybe, did you like it : )

God:

Squid:

God: you krilled it : )

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.