Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

Noah was an idiot.

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.

#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns

Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?

Me: I don’t like your tone.

Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*

Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!