Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
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People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.