Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
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Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
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“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy