Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

If you know, you know

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

Free, you racist.

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you

What’s the opposite of mentos?

Lady fingers.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised

ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]

I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?

“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.