Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
You Might Also Like
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Yes, but it was never about money
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI