Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.

Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.

DD: U sure?

Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

Me: *walks into room*

My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.

Me: *walks back out of room*

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow

VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.

Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air