Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
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How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
wut hotdog?
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
😂🤣😂🤣
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio