Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.

Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!

Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.

Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.

My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs

do you know what they all have in common?????????

eggos

they eat all my eggos

Every time

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash

JERY: crypto?

GERGE: crypto

JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!

GERG: I did! but then it dipped again

JERY: it double dipped?

GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT