Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

[restaurant]

me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please

server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir

me: challenge accepted

[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza

[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

The glory of fall.

Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

Maybe jesus needs me in his life

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually

AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”

My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.

I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass