hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
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Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not