Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting

Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”

Me: this would be better without the raisins in it

Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?

Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.

Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough

Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves

But I don’t like to point fingers

choose your gary

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip