hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
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Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
They got Raph!
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3