hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
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They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.