Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
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I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Lmfao
Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget
McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Inventor of sparkling water: Hear me out; water, but it hurts.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.