Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!

*tries*

4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?

She’s not the first to ask me that.

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.

Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]

Fred: MY DAUGHTER!

My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!

Me: *holding back tears* I remember

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.

Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”