Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go

Twists doll head til it snaps off

Screeches “mom!!!”

Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer

Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.

Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.