Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
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Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
scrabbled eggs
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.