Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
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You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.