Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
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[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
This will never not be funny 😭
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the