Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
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Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
me in a relationship:
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password