Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
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My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business