Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
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Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.