Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.

I might give this a try 😏

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”

They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.