Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
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Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.