Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
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Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.