Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
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God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Thursday
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail