hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning
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How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end