hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning
You Might Also Like
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
The options really are this bad
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
We need it on priority
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out