*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
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mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water