Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#polloftheday

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.

Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

wishing you and yours all the best

To err is human, to eh is Canadian.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.