Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
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My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.