Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
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2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
BRO LMFAO
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs