@BoobsRadley

Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.

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@ericsshadow

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

@dumbbeezie

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

@DannyZuker

“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

@NickBossRoss

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

@Jacksawyerr

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

@dave_cactus

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

@Divergentmama

As my kids get older, I am more convinced that drinking water fixes everything.

Have a stomachache – drink some water
Have a headache – you really need to drink more water
Bear attack on the way to school – I bet the bear was dehydrated, here have a glass of water

@mommajessiec

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

@dannyboy7813

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.