Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.

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If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors


Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people


“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.


Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.


If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.


ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.


As my kids get older, I am more convinced that drinking water fixes everything.

Have a stomachache – drink some water
Have a headache – you really need to drink more water
Bear attack on the way to school – I bet the bear was dehydrated, here have a glass of water


Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*


First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.