If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
You Might Also Like
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year