I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
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Tonight’s flirtation brought to you by the letter Booze.
It’s a word? Whatever, man. I don’t know algebra and shit.
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Thank you autocorrect for changing “we met in person” to “we met in prison”. This is going to be a wonderful family dinner. I can just feel it.
Thank God there are no Bible verses shorter than 140 characters.
I care more about the outcome of sporting events than any other aspect of human existence.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole