[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
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I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
I don’t like papier-mâché because it exposes children to both glue and French.
I really miss my family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.