Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?

KIDS: YES!

ME: then go outside

February 27th, 2020.

I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.

Never give up on your dreams, kids.

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

“Good luck tomorrow.”

* Me confusing a random stranger *

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

omg leave her alone

You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.

[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more

in 3 months

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.