[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
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pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS