[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
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Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Last-minute gift idea!
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
🏙👨🏼
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.