[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
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8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby