Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing

me: you wanna hot line bling?

date: what?

me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?

date: excuse me

me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

A welcome mat is a gateway rug.

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

From my Mom