*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
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Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
mmm onion ringos
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea