Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?

He thought he had job security…

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

This fish is cracking me up

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.