Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*

If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin

Let that sink in

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

Short story

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

[battle]

ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit

SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word

M: It means give up

S: Oh cool. Lets do that

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

me: will you please pass the bee barf?

wife: please stop calling the honey that.

My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”

Me: A partner

i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’